ZOTUS is Snacking!
By R. D. Flavin

4-29-2016


     When John Robert Hayes (b 2002, d. 2030, r. 2031) was elected president of the United States in 2032 and assumed office on Friday, January 21, 2033 making him our 49th Commander in Chief, and the first elected member of the Resurrected Party (“zombies” or the “undead”). As social limits expanded after the tragic election of 2016, America has been 'governed' by a Transgender Immigrant, the second richest man in the country who openly bought the election, and a Reformed Islamist Ayatollah. While each president has always proposed unique challenges for the United States Secret Service, following a zombie around at night in search of eating brains and NOT allowing any type of videography to occur has its risky moments (microdrones, hyper-photo reconnaissance satellites, etc.) Basically keeping the anti-surveillance shield up and functioning can be a more important job than taking a bullet for a president (though, just an opinion, I'd sooner take a bullet than offer my brains to be eaten).

     What many of today's students are calling The 2016 Great Embarrassment when the Red Elephants went on a rampage at their own Republican National Conventional stomping on some people without any political party affiliation whatsoever (with the Democrats behaving poorly after a fashion), the United States of America had to immediately cease their petty squabbling, work together, and once more be a world leader. And, with our national and global fast-food reputations on the line, President Clinton issued an executive order (though tied to a $14.00 and hour minimum rage increase) which was backed by Congress, that McDonald's and Burger King merge, combine menus, and save big bucks through quantity purchasing. A naturalzied Hamburger Sandwich is a better represention than Apple Pie, the Liberty Sandwich (marshmellow fluff or combined with peanutbutter and fluffernutter. Fluffernutter hors d'oeuvre? Oh yeah!). Of course, some version of pizza is globe-trotting, but a good ol' American Cheeseburger Sandwich (with lettuce, tomato, onions, pickle slices, and (un)heathy gobs of mayo and ketchup added) is Number One on the all time fast food request. 'Murka!

     Electing a Transgender Immigrant seemed odd at first (though some would claim as such during the entire term), but once you learned to remove non-gender honorifics and wear yellow socks, the U.S. Secret Service resumed its primary goals of protecting Pres. Steven (“Stevie") Hoarsbreath. It was around this time counterfeiting and currency verification was transferred to a new office in Homeland Security. Also, during the presidency of Hoarsbreath the Resurrection Phenomena began with minor rioting, a considerable amount of religious 'end of days' hysteria, though by far the greatest number sought out the Center for Disease Control for advice and assistance. Not all of the resurrected were cursed with the cannibal urges, though all seemed to perish within a decade or so – likely due to massive cellular deterioration. A 'cure', as such, couldn't be found, but some drugs and electro-shock therapy seemed to slow things down a bit.

     The term of Pres. Honus Ichan was surprisingly unremarkable, as he openly 'bought' the election by actually handing out cash of various amounts to voters. One would be very surprised about the effectiveness of a $5 or $10 bill given as an 'honest' bribe. Now, that's not to imply bribes and benefits were the only carrot-sticks Ichan brought to the table – combining the CDC with Homeland Security under the direct command of the military brought a modicum of protective solace to the American People. Denial – a mutagen which a 'cure' would soon be developed; Anger – massive new prisons to contain the resurrected with an overwhelming urge to eat human flesh, usually the brains; Bargaining – non-cannibal resurrected may walk about unrestricted, but must wear a monitoring device; and Acceptance – non-cannibal resurrected without an incident in a five year period may enjoy the usual benefits of American society, attendance of concerts and sporting events, the right to attend restaurants, to serve in limited functions in the military, and most coveted of all, the right to vote and hold office. The popularity of Ichan was split 50/50 and were either vocal and demonstrative or quiet and reserved. The inescapableness of kismet by recognizing the legitimacy of the Resurrected Party, twisted in on itself and the person chosen to replace Ichan was the Reformed Islamist Ayatollah Abdul Baith Kassem, a moderate, who enjoyed quantum cooking, and was poor golfer.. America was globally regarded as progressive, trust-based reformist, and tolerant of forward-thinking social philosophies. The irony humankind now teetered between using its brains for good or eating brains for food was not lost on many, as with the next president. John Robert Hayes passed in 2030, resurrected a year later, and married an old girlfriend who had died in a car accident, and was also resurrected without any cannibalistic urges. They were generally thought of as a handsome couple who enjoyed throwing large parties and, of course, were very active in Resurrected Rights. The anti-Resurrection slogan: “Ghouls aren't Cool!” took awhile to take a bite out of our new reality, but it eventually did. And, then another. And another…

     When the dreaded words, “ZOTUS is snacking!” filtered through the U. S. Secret Services squawk-boxes, a dozen different protocols kicked in at once. It had been three months after the inauguration of Hayes, some agents expected the cannibalism sooner, others later, but all knew it was just a matter of time. Heat-blocking blankets quickly covered both Hayes and his victim and the reconnaissance satellites were checked and rechecked. With 162 psi as a baseline, it usually takes several bites for a cannibal to reach the human brains. The cranium is one tough bone to crack. This is not to say a lot of blood is immediately involved, just cannibalism is often messy work.

     Removing Hayes and his victim underground was no-brainer, as was cleaning up as much blood as soon as possible. The First Resurrected Lady was secured and Operation Distraction was implemented – in this case, a staged car accident at Farragut North and 17th Street NW drew most of the media away from the White House. Cleaning up Pres. Hayes only took a few minutes, by which time the anti-cannibalism drug and electro-shock was administered. It made Pres. Hayes giddy and he wanted to address the nation. Both the Secretaries of State and Defense took their turns slapping Hayes back into some semblance of normalcy. The U. S. Secret Service had performed their new gory duties well and in good faith. They would likely be transferred to Mozambique and receive a bullet in the back of the head as a retirement gift. It was the first, but wouldn't be the last time, “ZOTUS is snacking!” was used, but it was a new world, gross and dangerous, but still (at least for now) ...our world.

I've heard mango-chutney goes best with brains,
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