vs. Imported Whines
And the third day there was a marriage
in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there: And both Jesus
was called, and his disciples, to the marriage. And when they
wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, They have no wine.
saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not
the Book of Genesis (Heb. Bereishit),
instructed Noah to build an ark, commanding, “...You
shall come into the ark, you, your sons, your wife, and your sons'
wives with you. And of every living thing of all flesh, you shall
bring two of every sort into the ark, to keep them alive with you;
they shall be male and female. Of the birds according to their
kinds, and of the animals according to their kinds, of every creeping
thing of the ground according to its kind, two of every sort shall
come in to you, to keep them alive. Also take with you every sort
food that is eaten, and store it up; and it shall serve as food for
you and for them." And, as the story goes, G*d caused it to
rain for forty days and nights, flooding the Earth and killing all
life not aboard Noah's ark. After it stopped raining, the water
receded and dry land once more appeared, Noah planted a vineyard,
tended to the grapes, and when they were ripe, made some wine and got
stinking drunk. Then, in a mythopoetic WTF-dude moment, the way
guy got naked... One of Noah's sons happened by, saw his drunk
naked dad and covered him up with a blanket. Or, at least, that's
one version of the myth—some say the son seized the moment and
castrated Noah according to a weird Eastern Mediterranean tradition,as
the Greeks had similar tales of usurpation combined with testicular
emasculation (Graves & Patai 1963, p. 5; 1966, pp. 121-122; Bergsma
& Hahn 2005). In the common (read: scrubbed and edited)
Noah woke up naked under a blanket and rather than admit his own
indiscretion and error, viciously lashed out and cursed the son who'd
covered him up, arguing that no child should see a parent naked.
almost all life gets killed by G*d because of bad behavior, the
so-called hero gets shit-faced at his earliest opportunity, and
when he's helped out by a son chooses to curse him rather than offer
thanks. Primal stuff, great reading, but wrong... The
hold to stories of imposed guilt, a habit the Catholics adopted, both
belief systems have wine to whine about and they're not alone. We
all complain and it's a toss-up who has better whines.
Some whines are more palatable than
others. In American politics, Democratic whines tend to the sweet
and fruity boxed varieties, while Republican whines are usually dry,
tart, and sold in gallons or barrels. Both parties take turns
adding to the punch-bowl and there are some potent whines currently
being shared. [Note: An
origin of the Tea-Bagging Party?] It seems
like just a few yesterdays ago we were all busy complaining about the
battles in Iraq and Afghanistan, the economy, and the merits of
healthcare reform, but now our taste in whines have changed.
Arizona's passage of S.B. 1070, a new immigration law, has taken center-stage on Whining With The Stars, as celebrities are pledging to boycott appearances in the state à la Ray Charles refusing to perform in Georgia while it supported segregation. Pres. Obama has referred to the law as “misguided,” perhaps a milquetoast criticism, and several cities on both the Left and Right coasts have passed (or are attempting to pass) referendums calling out the offensive nature of Arizona's “tough love” immigration law. Why this sudden national interest in illegal Mexican immigration? Yeah, follow the money...
Is it because America has recently lost
some estimated 8.4 to 15 million jobs due to bad banking and foolish
investments? That could be a
legitimate whine and reason, but
approximately how many of those millions would accept the menial jobs
which Mexicans have become synonymous with (i.e. field-work, domestic
help, and lawn-care)? Not many, that would be my guess. Is
because after 9/11 we have to have more secure borders to guard
against terrorist attacks? Well, the Al-Qaeda hijackers came in
through Canada, which has a much more massive border than Mexico, and
I'm not hearing any debate about profiling Canadians. It's got to
the so-called “War on Drugs” and all the drugs that are coming
into America. And, so it goes, with the drugs comes the violence,
corruption, and crime. Yeah, someone should do something about
of that. Oh, wait! That's right, the Mexican government
for help years ago, we promised them lots of money and ...we haven't
paid up! Mexican police, politicians, soldiers, and all the
standing against the violence, corruption, and crime are still losing
their lives because America has not kept her word.
The "Deepwater Horizon" oil rig before it burned, after it burned and sank into the Gulf, and Swamp Thing by Bernie Wrightson.
The April 21, 2010 fire and explosion aboard the semi-submersible
oil drilling rig nicknamed the “Deepwater Horizon,” which killed 11
injured 7, continues to leak oil into the
With tea-bags firmly stuffed in his mouth,
Accidents do happen—sometimes by an “act of nature” and
other times due to human failure, carelessness, or other actionable
reasons. When it’s determined that an
have been avoided, we hold those responsible accountable.
Exxon is still paying off the 1989 Valdez clean-up
(though their profits are larger than the budgets of some countries),
the company who leased the oil drilling rig which blew up and owns the
drilling rights, has offered to cover all
the costs involved with the clean-up. This
should work out, as British Petroleum
always keeps it word…
Okay, this is getting sick.
No, BP does not always keep
its word, and I invite any and all to
investigate their safety records, fines, and controversial business
around the world. My favorite BP whine
goes back to the company’s initial founding in 1909 as the
Company after oil was discovered in
Many connoisseurs of complaints prefer
imported whines and claim a superiority of character. A certain
amount of truth is contained in such a statement, as some imported
whines do indeed have an older and more established lineage, though
as humans have spread out from their prehistoric and historic
homelands across the globe, we've taken our needs to bitch and moan
with us. Whining is integral to human nature and may be found
any campfire, in any kitchen, fast-food joint, family diner, or fancy
restaurant around the world. Even with a profound sense of
and patriotism for our country and her domestic whines, it's the most
stubborn among us who wouldn't recognize that we are a people of
differences and similarities
with a need to appreciate and respond to
the complaints of others.
Lest we accept the doom of exclusion, we should be mindful
that every foreign land is someone’s home and
For every Frenchman who criticizes that his wife is too fat,
for every Italian woman who accuses her husband of being too chubby,
German couple who denounce their children as obese, we must sympathize
the many who deplore the skinniness of their loved ones. This, I
believe, is why McDonald’s
over 31,000 establishments in more than 119 countries on six continents
provides choices at all of
their restaurants, though sadly, usually only “Would
you like fries with that?”
The health benefits of a daily
glass or three of wine have
been promoted of late, as has the positive effects of whining (Kowalski
2002). It seems that moderate amounts of alcohol often
counters many ailments which abstainers suffer from, and it also
regular complaining can assist in a balanced mental health. While
the recommended daily intake of alcohol
doesn’t have to be wine, it could be in the form of beer or spirits,
if watching Fox News or
listening to talk-radio would have the same positive
effects as actually complaining to a “real” person. Perhaps such
a study is currently underway.
Our domestic whines are essential to our self-sufficiency and assist
with our eponymy. We choose our imported whines with causality as
whimsical discretion. Humanitarian causes
célèbres, economic necessities (including wars and
empathic social-political solidarity are just a few of the many
reasons why some show deference to foreign complaints. We don't
to, we just do, and it often ends up costing us lots of money.
Bergsma, John Sietze and Scott Walker Hahn. 2005. "Noah's Nakedness and the Curse on Canaan (Genesis 9:20-27)." Journal of Biblical
Literature. 124, 1: 25-40.
Graves, Robert and Raphael Patai. 1963. "Some Hebrew Myths and Legends." Encounter. 114: 3-18.
Graves, Robert and Raphael Patai. 1966. Hebrew Myths: The Book of Genesis. Garden City, NY: Doubleday.
Kowalski, R. M. 2002. "Whining, griping, and complaining: Positivity in the negativity." Journal of Clinical Psychology. 58, 9: 1023-1035.
Saadata, Mostafa and Aminolla Bahaoddinia, Hassan Mohabatkara, with Koorosh Noemanib. 2004. "High incidence of suicide by burning in
Masjid-i-Sulaiman (southwest of Iran), a polluted area with natural sour gas leakage." Journal of the International Society for Burn Injuries.
30, 8: 829-832.
Reaching for a cold beer,