Flavin's Corner

The Doom That Came To Newt*
*with apologies to H.P.L.

     There is in the District of Columbia a vast still Congress that is
influenced by many and from which no influence comes.  For twenty
years now there has stood in Congress a mean man called Newt, but
soon Newt will stand there no more.

     It is whispered in foul rituals and underground parking lots that in
those dark years before the arrival of the Great Carter, how the
perspiratory demon Nixon and his clumsy cadre of Agnew, Ford, and
Rockefeller made egregious pacts with mortals and certain
businesses, and revived the hoary and hemorrhoidal Republican Cult,
not seen since before the glorious, albeit short, reign of good King
Jack.  Though the Great Carter defeated the Republicans, and
common folk began to dance wildly with polyester outfits and really
awful music, the Republican Cult was not destroyed.  From the Great
Carter's own backyard in the land of Georgia, Newt made pecuniary
sacrifices and ascended to Congress, openly declaring himself a
disciple of the demon Nixon.  DOOM wrapped itself around Newt and
he gained weight and wore wingtips and white socks.

     The Republican Cult grew in strength and banished the Great
Carter, beginning what some refer to as the dirty dozen
REAGAN-BUSH years, but others tremble at the memory and curse
the time for what it truly was--four thousand, three hundred and
eighty-two days and nights of HELL ON EARTH!
Oh, the horror...

     A plague consumed the gay and merry and the Republican Cult
turned a deaf ear to the cries of the dying.  Evil altars were erected
across the land, in every town and village, all bearing the name
GOPAC and etched with foul images of the unholy Reverend Falwell
and his Immoral Minority giving their wicked blessings to the Iran and
Contra affair, the she-wolf Nancy howling "Just say no," and the
Quayle who couldn't fly or spell.  The Republican Cult grew strong
from feeding on the taxes of the poor and the gifts of the rich and it
was a time of sadness and despair.  The only positive upshot of the
period was an abundance of better-than-usual drugs, as is common
knowledge, whenever the Republican Cult is in power, vices are
cheap and plentiful.  In a day when a packet of ketchup is described
as a vegetable, the night which follows is guarantied to be
...interesting, to say the least.  All became victims, some were just too
stupid to notice.

     And then an amazing event occurred, not foreseen in the stars nor
glimpsed in the backpages of esoteric rags--Slick Willy, or B. J.
Clinton of The Many Smiles, stepped forth to do battle with the
Republican Cult!  Scholars still search the arcane tomes of Ripley the
Wise for predictions of Slick Willy, but believe it or not, no one could
have known B. J. Clinton of The Many Smiles would cast out the
fuddy-duddies and encourage everyone to laugh once more.  It is said
among certain loose-women and deliverers of pizza that Clinton didn't
even know himself.  It just happened...  The Good Guys (and Gals)
returned just when we needed them the most.

     The requisite constituent to any free society is an engaging
balance of debate and opposition, winners and losers, and those who
use WINDOWS and those who use DOORS.  Open and close, on and
off, right and not-so-right, burning to illuminate and burning to destroy;
these are all functions of a working system.  As the fire of Slick Willy
blazed brighter and brighter, Newt embraced DOOM and made it his
business to snuff as many candles as he could.  Newt got busy.

     The sacrifices were not enough to appease, demons got angry, and
Newt joined forces with ALOF and erected five pillars to support his
visionary temple.  Brash, and believing himself accountable to no one,
Newt began to spread the secret doctrines of the Republican Cult in
the classroom, through cable, on video-cassette, and in Congress, as
well.  Though Congress joined to slap and tickle the wrist of Newt for
abuse of exempt-status, Congress went on to reward the dedicated
disciple of the demon Nixon, renaming him as Speaker Newt.  It was
during that time that Anne of Manning stepped forth and said of Newt:
"We had oral sex.  He prefers that modus operandi because then he
can say, 'I never slept with her.'"  The DOOM of Newt began to get

     Borrowing the occult spells of Brando, Speaker Newt issued a
contract on America and pledged vengeance against free society.
Misusing media worse than the purposeful goofiness of Tim the
Toolman, Newt encouraged DOOM to crawl up his butt, get
comfortable, stay awhile, and embarked on a campaign to say the
dumbest things ever.  Scholars are searching Ripley the Wise for
mentions of Newt the Jerk, as well...  DOOM moves freely between all
and is merciless when it snacks.

     The old Gods have a wicked sense of humor and constantly play
with mortals.  Once in a while a mortal may win, but usually it's the
Gods who are victorious in their aims.  Mortals are limited and chained
with desires, dreams, and the need to wash up after a trip to the toilet,
as with such things the Gods are way beyond.

     Speaker Newt vomited forth a lake of vile goals for his
envisionment of the Republican Cult and its proposed rule of the
future.  All smelled the stink, some waded through it, most walked
around it, and to the credit of a weary land and people, nearly
everyone suggested some way to clean it up.  Speaker Newt smiled,
remembered the pecuniary sacrifices, and decided his pockets would
be best served lined with cash.  DOOM kissed Newt and promised
riches outside of Congress and Newt listened and obeyed.  Newt the
Jerk wants cash and blow-jobs and has decided Congress is not the
place to achieve such goals.  DOOM wears many hats and sometimes
uses lipstick.

     The land is troubled...  The Republican Cult is still strong and
wrecks havoc in corners public and private, little is heard from the
Great Carter, and Slick Willy now walks with a limp.  Today we see
rats jumping from sinking ships to start their own cruise-lines.  The
DOOM that came to Newt awaits all...  It has been said "Life sucks and
death swallows," but the saying should be amended to include "...and
politics doesn't care, as long as one doesn't get caught!"

in my head, still fighting,

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