The recent terrorism in Yemen, ongoing violence between Israelis and Palestinians, and confronted with another season of Saturday Night Live and its writers still incapable of producing humorous material, reminds me of our excessive stockpile of nuclear weapons. I'd like to offer a solution: let 'em rip! Though pacifists and those who shiver at the thought of nuclear winter have periodically called attention to the START I and II (as well as the hoped for III) agreements, U.S. and Russian nuclear arsenals remain obscenely large. Years of suppressing emotional reaction have produced nervous stomachs and sleeplessness, but problematic situations still abound. Others seem to support anger mismanagement and appear nonplussed by denying conventionality. Hey, we've got to do something with all those nuclear weapons and we might as well straighten out some of life's twists in the process!
Estimates of U.S. and Russian nuclear weapons over START limits number in the thousands. Several dozens could be used (with flippant discretion, of course) against those individuals and groups which annoy, inspire wasted bandwidth, and cause forests of pulp to be stained with ink when describing the inevitable one-damned-thing-after-another… Why destroy tomorrow what you can destroy today? Let's have at death and destruction, shall we?
Initially, and with no warning, we should bomb those who've repeatedly demonstrated they're mephitical odors of the hind squeeze. The ex-president of Uganda, Idi Amin Dada, who currently lives in a villa in Saudi Arabia, should be atomized first, simply because one has to begin somewhere. Now, as nuking Saudi Arabia could further destabilize the Mideast, it would be best to follow through with taking out Iran, Iraq, and Syria. And, to complete the U.S. State Department's list of countries that sponsor terrorism, we should turn Libya, Sudan, Cuba, and N. Korea into radioactive night-lights to be viewed from the space station.
With these prime targets achieved, secondary strikes against Afghanistan (home of the Taliban punks), East Timor and the Philippines (because they've been in the news way too much), and Chechnya (to give the Russians something to do), should sufficiently loosen up the missile launch crews. Other objectives at this stage might involve Joerg Haider in Austria, Slobodan Milosevic in Yugoslavia, and Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe. As intense, collateral damage will be incurred and many innocent lives will be snuffed getting to these individuals, it should make the next steps much easier.
For too long the world has been concerned over a possible nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan. That's right; nuke 'em both!
It's believed the latest outbreak of the Ebola virus in Uganda is due to a soldier returning home from service in the Democratic Republic of Congo (formerly Zaire). A few well-placed nukes to both countries should be an effective remedy.
A massive ozone hole over Chile? Residents afraid of ultraviolet radiation? A nuclear solution would seem to be in order…
Last week France banned the use of cow intestines because of fears bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE or "Mad Cow Disease") could be spread to humans, as cow intestines are commonly used as casing in the making of saucisses de Morteau and other sausages. I never understood the French and their Jerry Lewis fetish, it's a minor point anyway, and I'm sure we'd be doing the French a favor by irradiating the whole country.
Hmmm… Parts of Canada speak French… Sure, let's take out Canada while we're at it!
Greece having problems raising money and getting the necessary work done for the next Olympics? I've always enjoyed playing sports, but seldom watching… Bombs away!
What's with all the young people in Iceland partying 24/7? Because I wasn't invited, we're warming up that playground with some thermonuclear heat…
I've never been comfortable with Australia. I'm still confused over the whole Olivia Newton John thing. Is she a lesbian or what? Okay, some regard the unique animals from DownUnder as cute and special, but I think Mom Terra was hitting the pipe when she created these freaks. With names like koala, wombat, dingo, Tasmanian Devil, kangaroo, wallaroo, and bandicoot, we should have taken out this continent/island of mutants long ago.
And, lest anyone accuse me of rabid, pro-American bias, I'd like to suggest we launch against those American states with more vowels than consonants in their names. This would, of course, free up room in the Union for Puerto Rico, Israel, the Vatican, Taiwan, and the District of Columbia to join, but …perhaps that's being a bit premature.
It's a given Utah should be turned into a nuclear wasteland, as the land has been wasted there for some time…
Destroying New York City and Los Angeles may disrupt some popular television shows and publications, but once the business and entertainment industries have relocated to Chicago I'm sure everything will proceed smoothly.
"Remember the Alamo" will be replaced with "Remember Texas?" after an atomic conflagration grills the Lone Star State, making Waco seem like just another backyard barbecue.
As a cafeteria liberal who picks and choices what causes I wish to partake in, I've been concerned with the environment since I was a wee teen. That said, I've often felt helpless when it comes to standing up to oil companies and other resource-robbing industries who would foul the land to appease their stockholders. Because it's only a matter of time before the natural beauty of Alaska is irrevocably marred by exploitation businesses, I propose we do one big Baked Alaska and invite friends.
I'd like to declare the above suggestions are the result of tortuous hours of consideration, but …that would be untrue. It was, like, an hour and half; however it was an extremely difficult hour and a half! Something has to be done with all these nuclear weapons, and in the words of that unkempt patent-office worker:
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don`t do anything about it." Albert Einstein
Does anyone have better suggestions?
Managing anger has never been one of our strong points, though perhaps we should work on it. There is no failsafe for existence…
Wrapping testicles in tinfoil,
*This column is satire. Do not prosecute or kill me; please…