The Fun Way
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole
of the law..."
Uncle Al in Liber Legis ("The Book
of the Law")
"Do a little dance, make a little love,
get down tonight, get down tonight..."
Get Down Tonight, c. 1976 Sherlyn
Publishing Co., written by H.
W. Casey and R. Finch, recorded by K. C.
and The Sunshine Band.
They have always
been here. In times of old they were seen
as gods and great heroes, but in recent
centuries they have
retreated from our sight and their very
existence has become
the stuff of rumor and legend. Sometimes
called The Ta'Pioca,
The Perfect Masters, or The Secret Chiefs,
this select group of
wise beings have decided to help us once
more. Is that cool, or
what?
I was contacted
last January and told that if I would make a
dedicatory sacrifice of not using both of
my hands when I touch
myself in an impure fashion, for a period
of one year, that I
would be rewarded for my efforts.
As my love-life had recently
taken a celibate turn after my heart and
butt were kicked to
the curb, I took up the challenge and hoped
for some action at
the end of the year. Well, it's been
a year and last week I
began to receive e-mail correspondence from
...The Secret
Chiefs! Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya da da,
indeed!
Several e-mails
took the form of a new philosophical
approach, "The Fun Way," which The Secret
Chiefs wish me to
pass on to everyone. Other e-mails
concerned questions about
cable channel conversion, how to program
a VCR, and one was a
request for the U.S. Senator Bean Soup recipe.
I've edited
"The Fun Way" for clarity and ran it through
a spell-checker (as
The Secret Chiefs use an old version of
Eudora and have an odd
habit of doubling vowels in certain words),
otherwise the
following is pretty damn close to what I
received. I've been
instructed to inform all that The Secret
Chiefs are now
accepting e-mail atDISCONTINUED.
Enjoy!
The Fun Way
or
Breathing Hard For Peace
We were once like you... Well, some of
you... Most of you have
incredibly poor table manners and insist on
using silverware
instead of your hands and feet. But,
besides that and NEVER
wearing the same socks and underwear for more
than a day,
we're close. Not exact, but in the general
area.
Early in the development of gender-based (read:
biased)
characteristics, you supported a "women laugh
when men cry and
men cry when women laugh" approach.
While this has produced
some notable melodrama, a couple of interesting
narratives
involving fruit, it has generally incurred
misunderstanding,
frustration, and more failed relationships
than there's been
theories about the Kennedy, Brown-Simpson,
or Jon-Benet
Ramsey assassinations. [Hint: think
Publishers' Clearing House!]
Through much of human history laughter has
existed as an often
unused cure for a variety of ailments.
Emotional fluctuations
from severe manic depression to smoky melancholy
have been
successfully treated by a good belly laugh.
It's been
demonstrated time and again that a few chuckles
and some
giggles can counter such debilitations as
anal retentiveness,
provide help for the persnickety obsessive-compulsive,
and
assist in the draining of butt boils, though
topical anesthesia and
a glass of scotch work as well when one is
knighted with a lance
into one's rear. Anyway, laughter offers
a way to deal with the
bummers of existence.
The best example of this is the situation of
Golbuni the Goth, an
early ninth century farm-hand and sufferer
of chronic
flatulence. Known for his strength,
discipline, impeccable work
habits, as well as always smelling of cabbage
and onions, Golbuni
made the best of his life by laughing at adversity.
Whether it
was an injured foot from being stepped on
by a cow, a fine of
half-wages for picking his nose in front of
the farm-master's
wife, or being refused marriage by Sterila
the Hefty, Golbuni
would laugh, begin whistling, and think cheerful
thoughts
regarding all. He didn't have many friends
or a woman to grow
old with, but Golbuni was happy.
Golbuni's secret? He'd found a fun way...
One doesn't have to solve the riddle of why
the birds sing so gay
(most are...), decipher the shrill din of
Al
Azif (it's been done
many times), or "become one with the universe"
(actually not a
pleasant experience), to enjoy The Fun
Way. It's simple.
Imagine everyone you encounter as nude or,
if they happen to be
nude already, imagine them with clown-clothes
on. It works. We
promise.
The coming techno-age will be the most challenging
epoch faced
by humankind yet. Pollution, war, and
disease (to say nothing of
the threat of microwaveable beer) may soil
society's shorts, but
laughter will remove even the most stubborn
of stains. We
recommend answering the questions of race,
religion, and
sexuality with grins and guffaws. When
confronted with
intolerance, indifference, or moral incontinence,
give a greeting
of giggles and continue on your fun
way... And, in case you're
wondering, it's okay if others laugh behind
your back. That's
the idea! Laughter behind you, laughter
in front of you, laughter
all around you!
For many laughter will be difficult at first.
Breathing hard for
peace takes a commitment beyond casual contact
or the
courtesy coitus; peace lives in a happy place
reachable by The
Fun Way. Don't stop laughing
and don't get lost!
:)
Well, that's that...
This past week I've worked "The Fun
Way" with a small degree of success and
expect to do better in
the future. I've adapted the visual
exercise to fit my own sense
of modesty and now imagine most of the annoying
people I
encounter as being in their underwear.
It's a personal
preference (hey, call me squeamish...) and
anyone can modify
"The Fun Way" to make it their own.
I believe if enough
people follow The Secret Chiefs' "The Fun
Way," there may be hope for us yet!
projecting an astral figleaf,
Rick