The Fun Way
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole
of the law..."
Uncle Al in Liber Legis ("The Book of the Law")
"Do a little dance, make a little love,
get down tonight, get down tonight..."
Get Down Tonight, c. 1976 Sherlyn Publishing Co., written by H.
W. Casey and R. Finch, recorded by K. C. and The Sunshine Band.
They have always
been here. In times of old they were seen
as gods and great heroes, but in recent centuries they have
retreated from our sight and their very existence has become
the stuff of rumor and legend. Sometimes called The Ta'Pioca,
The Perfect Masters, or The Secret Chiefs, this select group of
wise beings have decided to help us once more. Is that cool, or
I was contacted
last January and told that if I would make a
dedicatory sacrifice of not using both of my hands when I touch
myself in an impure fashion, for a period of one year, that I
would be rewarded for my efforts. As my love-life had recently
taken a celibate turn after my heart and butt were kicked to
the curb, I took up the challenge and hoped for some action at
the end of the year. Well, it's been a year and last week I
began to receive e-mail correspondence from ...The Secret
Chiefs! Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya da da, indeed!
took the form of a new philosophical
approach, "The Fun Way," which The Secret Chiefs wish me to
pass on to everyone. Other e-mails concerned questions about
cable channel conversion, how to program a VCR, and one was a
request for the U.S. Senator Bean Soup recipe. I've edited
"The Fun Way" for clarity and ran it through a spell-checker (as
The Secret Chiefs use an old version of Eudora and have an odd
habit of doubling vowels in certain words), otherwise the
following is pretty damn close to what I received. I've been
instructed to inform all that The Secret Chiefs are now
accepting e-mail atDISCONTINUED. Enjoy!
The Fun Way
Breathing Hard For Peace
We were once like you... Well, some of
you... Most of you have
incredibly poor table manners and insist on using silverware
instead of your hands and feet. But, besides that and NEVER
wearing the same socks and underwear for more than a day,
we're close. Not exact, but in the general area.
Early in the development of gender-based (read:
characteristics, you supported a "women laugh when men cry and
men cry when women laugh" approach. While this has produced
some notable melodrama, a couple of interesting narratives
involving fruit, it has generally incurred misunderstanding,
frustration, and more failed relationships than there's been
theories about the Kennedy, Brown-Simpson, or Jon-Benet
Ramsey assassinations. [Hint: think Publishers' Clearing House!]
Through much of human history laughter has
existed as an often
unused cure for a variety of ailments. Emotional fluctuations
from severe manic depression to smoky melancholy have been
successfully treated by a good belly laugh. It's been
demonstrated time and again that a few chuckles and some
giggles can counter such debilitations as anal retentiveness,
provide help for the persnickety obsessive-compulsive, and
assist in the draining of butt boils, though topical anesthesia and
a glass of scotch work as well when one is knighted with a lance
into one's rear. Anyway, laughter offers a way to deal with the
bummers of existence.
The best example of this is the situation of
Golbuni the Goth, an
early ninth century farm-hand and sufferer of chronic
flatulence. Known for his strength, discipline, impeccable work
habits, as well as always smelling of cabbage and onions, Golbuni
made the best of his life by laughing at adversity. Whether it
was an injured foot from being stepped on by a cow, a fine of
half-wages for picking his nose in front of the farm-master's
wife, or being refused marriage by Sterila the Hefty, Golbuni
would laugh, begin whistling, and think cheerful thoughts
regarding all. He didn't have many friends or a woman to grow
old with, but Golbuni was happy.
Golbuni's secret? He'd found a fun way...
One doesn't have to solve the riddle of why
the birds sing so gay
(most are...), decipher the shrill din of Al Azif (it's been done
many times), or "become one with the universe" (actually not a
pleasant experience), to enjoy The Fun Way. It's simple.
Imagine everyone you encounter as nude or, if they happen to be
nude already, imagine them with clown-clothes on. It works. We
The coming techno-age will be the most challenging
by humankind yet. Pollution, war, and disease (to say nothing of
the threat of microwaveable beer) may soil society's shorts, but
laughter will remove even the most stubborn of stains. We
recommend answering the questions of race, religion, and
sexuality with grins and guffaws. When confronted with
intolerance, indifference, or moral incontinence, give a greeting
of giggles and continue on your fun way... And, in case you're
wondering, it's okay if others laugh behind your back. That's
the idea! Laughter behind you, laughter in front of you, laughter
all around you!
For many laughter will be difficult at first.
Breathing hard for
peace takes a commitment beyond casual contact or the
courtesy coitus; peace lives in a happy place reachable by The
Fun Way. Don't stop laughing and don't get lost!
Well, that's that...
This past week I've worked "The Fun
Way" with a small degree of success and expect to do better in
the future. I've adapted the visual exercise to fit my own sense
of modesty and now imagine most of the annoying people I
encounter as being in their underwear. It's a personal
preference (hey, call me squeamish...) and anyone can modify
"The Fun Way" to make it their own.
I believe if enough
people follow The Secret Chiefs' "The Fun
Way," there may be hope for us yet!
projecting an astral figleaf,
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