Campaign 2012
The Femcrat Party
has announced it will back pop-star, actress, and
syndicated economist, Madonna, in an effort
to prevent President Steve Case
from winning reelection. Evoking
memory of a time before the commencement
of the Christian Republicans in 2001,
Madonna answered the customary
single-question interview ("Have you had
any experience in public service?")
with: "Yes, but I didn't swallow!"
Campaign 2012 will certainly benefit from a
female seeking election to the Nation's
highest office, but most believe the gains
will serve advertisers and not the voters.
Case has promised
if reelected he'd consider releasing AWOL Version 23 to
America before the rest of the World,
but most believe he's lying and America
will get the latest version a year after
everyone else, the same way it's been for
the last ten years. Still, analysts
claim a "lie" is better than saying nothing to the
American people and point to Bush winning
in 2000 as the best example.
Many regard 2001
as "The Year Things Got Ugly," and cite quatrains from
the 16th century French astronomer, Michel
de Nostredame, however popular
perception holds the formation of the
Christian Republican Party by a union
between the Republicans, the Christian
Coalition, the Mormons, several militias,
and "anybody who hates them that hate
us," as well as Isaac Hanson leaving his
brothers to join Eddie Van Halen on the
Van Hanson "Groove Guys" tour of
shopping malls and Pizza Huts. Few
understood those tragedies were only the
beginning.
When Hillary lost
the Senate race to Rudy Giuliani and then moved on to
replace Kathy Lee on "Good Morning with
Regis," network television was
already in its death-throes. America
(well, most of America, that is...) was
shocked and disgusted when Patrick Buchanan
auctioned his final interview on
E-Bay, gave the money to the "Unabomber
Cigarette and Toilet Paper Fund,"
then committed suicide on "Larry King
Live" with a German lugar stuck in his
mouth. There was so much weirdness
going on that everyone forgot about
Bush.
Roe v. Wade was
overturned during the blistering summer of 2001, Planned
Parenthood and N.O.W. were declared subversive
groups and many of their
senior officers were arrested, and expanding
on Clinton's usage of Native
American casinos to collect winnings from
"Deadbeat Dads," Bush pledged to
pay off the national debt, upgrade the
military, and fund an anti-evolution school
program by raising the taxes of all Native
Americans and their businesses to
93% of gross income. The "Awful
August" bombings of the Statue of Liberty,
Mt. Rushmore, and several Denny's
Restaurants began what has become known
as the "UnCivil War."
The assassination
of Jerry Lewis by a mentally disturbed Dean Martin fan,
live on his 35th annual Labor Day telethon
to raise money to fight muscular
dystrophy, coincided with Microsoft's
Bill Gates renouncing his US citizenship
and moving to Iceland, and John Travolta,
Tom Cruise, and Nicole Kidman
vanishing mysteriously (fellow Scientologist,
Kristie Alley, reportedly screamed
upon hearing the news: "Those bastards!
They promised to take me with
them!"), stunned America more than the
ongoing "UnCivil War," though
historians (and the Justice Department)
have been unable to credibly connect the
any of the events.
Bush, with the
backing of the Christian Republican Party, responded to the
various attacks by taking an estimated
10,000 Native American women, retirees,
and children hostage in a surprise maneuver
and ordered all Native Americans to
leave US soil. Canada and Mexico
opened their borders, the First Nations
issued a collective response written in
the Cherokee syllabary which loosely
translated as: "You win, we lose, and
may your stool run as water in a stream,"
and Bush easily won reelection in 2004.
He was called the "Peacemaker" by
many, though some referred to him as the
"creepy jerk in charge..."
The second term
of President Bush was marked by many unusual "firsts."
William Shatner premiered his one-man
play, I Am Kirk, in the Rose Garden
(the play later ran for a week and a half
on Broadway), Matt Drudge was
appointed to Bush's cabinet as Secretary
of Scandal (though he quit after six
weeks, had a sex-change, and began his
Dear Drudge column which still enjoys
high ratings), and Bush encouraged Congress
to cosign a loan to Japan so they
could buy Russia. LucasFilms marketed
the third installment of Star Wars
directly to DVD, something previously
unthinkable for a major movie, though
the now-infamous Jar-Jar Binks nude scene
is believed to have been a prime
factor in making the decision. Also,
much to the chagrin of the American people
(or rather those who still cared), Bush
spent much of 2005-2006 trying to
convince everyone to change the National
Anthem from "The Star Spangeled
Banner" to Lynard Skynard's "Freebird."
His failure was said to have "really
bummed him out."
In his final months
in office, Bush started openly whoring around the Capital,
getting drunk and using cocaine, and the
Christian Republican Party moved to
distance themselves, but the damage was
already done. There was no way the
Christian Republican Party (read: the
Bad Guys) could market another candidate
for the coming election. America
had had eight years of corrupt government
and was ready for a return to a government
which was simply poorly run. In
2008, with the election of Steve Case,
the voters got what they wanted and
deserved as the two hundred and thirty
two year old United States of America
became a subsidiary of AWOL (America
and the World On-Line). Voters
received 30 days of free on-line time,
but their taxes were subsequently raised.
It could have
been the demise of newspapers, magazines, and books, after
President Case declared the usage of paper
as eco-terrorism, but apathy became
endemic during the Case administration.
When Japan sold Russia to Germany, it
would have made headlines in every major
newspaper in the country (if the
printing of newspapers was still legal),
instead the news of the sale was e-mailed
to registered voters, along with the usual
sports-news, latest Congressional
convictions, and weather. And it
wasn't just the shift from snail-mail to e-mail,
paper-books to electronic-books, or the
last American-made ballpoint pen
coming off the assembly line in 2009 that
got to people, though these events
contributed, it was the way weird awarding
of the Nobel Prize in Literature to
Gary Coleman for his Collected Works
Vol. 4: Résumés and Job Applications
(Yahoo, 2008), that made everyone ask:
"Huh?"
Madame Madonna
may as well move into the Oval Office. It's reasonable to
assume she can't do any worse than her
predecessors. She might even be able to
take the Oval Office out for a checkup
and a good cleaning. Still, her election
may depend on her choice of a running
mate, but here too voters may be
surprised by her pick (or lack of one).
Vote early! Vote often!
[unsigned]
rethinking Reykjavík,
Rick