Flavin's Corner
1-28-00
Note: The following arrived anonymously last week via e-mail.  It imagines a
future gone awry and seems to suggest Al Gore losing the 2000 Presidential
Election to Bush played a major role in determining what lies ahead.  Based on
the grim future the author outlines (and if the recent numbers from the Bush
camp are true), I'll be deciding soon between Iceland and Easter Island as my
next place of residence.

Campaign 2012

     The Femcrat Party has announced it will back pop-star, actress, and
syndicated economist, Madonna, in an effort to prevent President Steve Case
from winning reelection.  Evoking memory of a time before the commencement
of the Christian Republicans in 2001, Madonna answered the customary
single-question interview ("Have you had any experience in public service?")
with: "Yes, but I didn't swallow!"  Campaign 2012 will certainly benefit from a
female seeking election to the Nation's highest office, but most believe the gains
will serve advertisers and not the voters.

     Case has promised if reelected he'd consider releasing AWOL Version 23 to
America before the rest of the World, but most believe he's lying and America
will get the latest version a year after everyone else, the same way it's been for
the last ten years.  Still, analysts claim a "lie" is better than saying nothing to the
American people and point to Bush winning in 2000 as the best example.

     Many regard 2001 as "The Year Things Got Ugly," and cite quatrains from
the 16th century French astronomer, Michel de Nostredame, however popular
perception holds the formation of the Christian Republican Party by a union
between the Republicans, the Christian Coalition, the Mormons, several militias,
and "anybody who hates them that hate us," as well as Isaac Hanson leaving his
brothers to join Eddie Van Halen on the Van Hanson "Groove Guys" tour of
shopping malls and Pizza Huts.  Few understood those tragedies were only the
beginning.

     When Hillary lost the Senate race to Rudy Giuliani and then moved on to
replace Kathy Lee on "Good Morning with Regis," network television was
already in its death-throes.  America (well, most of America, that is...) was
shocked and disgusted when Patrick Buchanan auctioned his final interview on
E-Bay, gave the money to the "Unabomber Cigarette and Toilet Paper Fund,"
then committed suicide on "Larry King Live" with a German lugar stuck in his
mouth.  There was so much weirdness going on that everyone forgot about
Bush.

     Roe v. Wade was overturned during the blistering summer of 2001, Planned
Parenthood and N.O.W. were declared subversive groups and many of their
senior officers were arrested, and expanding on Clinton's usage of Native
American casinos to collect winnings from "Deadbeat Dads," Bush pledged to
pay off the national debt, upgrade the military, and fund an anti-evolution school
program by raising the taxes of all Native Americans and their businesses to
93% of gross income.  The "Awful August" bombings of the Statue of Liberty,
Mt. Rushmore, and several Denny's Restaurants began what has become known
as the "UnCivil War."

     The assassination of Jerry Lewis by a mentally disturbed Dean Martin fan,
live on his 35th annual Labor Day telethon to raise money to fight muscular
dystrophy, coincided with Microsoft's Bill Gates renouncing his US citizenship
and moving to Iceland, and John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and Nicole Kidman
vanishing mysteriously (fellow Scientologist, Kristie Alley, reportedly screamed
upon hearing the news: "Those bastards!  They promised to take me with
them!"), stunned America more than the ongoing "UnCivil War," though
historians (and the Justice Department) have been unable to credibly connect the
any of the events.

     Bush, with the backing of the Christian Republican Party, responded to the
various attacks by taking an estimated 10,000 Native American women, retirees,
and children hostage in a surprise maneuver and ordered all Native Americans to
leave US soil.  Canada and Mexico opened their borders, the First Nations
issued a collective response written in the Cherokee syllabary which loosely
translated as: "You win, we lose, and may your stool run as water in a stream,"
and Bush easily won reelection in 2004.  He was called the "Peacemaker" by
many, though some referred to him as the "creepy jerk in charge..."

     The second term of President Bush was marked by many unusual "firsts."
William Shatner premiered his one-man play, I Am Kirk, in the Rose Garden
(the play later ran for a week and a half on Broadway), Matt Drudge was
appointed to Bush's cabinet as Secretary of Scandal (though he quit after six
weeks, had a sex-change, and began his Dear Drudge column which still enjoys
high ratings), and Bush encouraged Congress to cosign a loan to Japan so they
could buy Russia.  LucasFilms marketed the third installment of Star Wars
directly to DVD, something previously unthinkable for a major movie, though
the now-infamous Jar-Jar Binks nude scene is believed to have been a prime
factor in making the decision.  Also, much to the chagrin of the American people
(or rather those who still cared), Bush spent much of 2005-2006 trying to
convince everyone to change the National Anthem from "The Star Spangeled
Banner" to Lynard Skynard's "Freebird."  His failure was said to have "really
bummed him out."

     In his final months in office, Bush started openly whoring around the Capital,
getting drunk and using cocaine, and the Christian Republican Party moved to
distance themselves, but the damage was already done.  There was no way the
Christian Republican Party (read: the Bad Guys) could market another candidate
for the coming election.  America had had eight years of corrupt government
and was ready for a return to a government which was simply poorly run.  In
2008, with the election of Steve Case, the voters got what they wanted and
deserved as the two hundred and thirty two year old United States of America
became a subsidiary of AWOL (America and the World On-Line).  Voters
received 30 days of free on-line time, but their taxes were subsequently raised.

     It could have been the demise of newspapers, magazines, and books, after
President Case declared the usage of paper as eco-terrorism, but apathy became
endemic during the Case administration.  When Japan sold Russia to Germany, it
would have made headlines in every major newspaper in the country (if the
printing of newspapers was still legal), instead the news of the sale was e-mailed
to registered voters, along with the usual sports-news, latest Congressional
convictions, and weather.  And it wasn't just the shift from snail-mail to e-mail,
paper-books to electronic-books, or the last American-made ballpoint pen
coming off the assembly line in 2009 that got to people, though these events
contributed, it was the way weird awarding of the Nobel Prize in Literature to
Gary Coleman for his Collected Works Vol. 4: Résumés and Job Applications
(Yahoo, 2008), that made everyone ask: "Huh?"

     Madame Madonna may as well move into the Oval Office.  It's reasonable to
assume she can't do any worse than her predecessors.  She might even be able to
take the Oval Office out for a checkup and a good cleaning.  Still, her election
may depend on her choice of a running mate, but here too voters may be
surprised by her pick (or lack of one).  Vote early!  Vote often!

[unsigned]

rethinking Reykjavík,
Rick

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